Not Me! (uh… Tuesday)

I’ve been doing Not Me! Monday on my private family blog for some time now. It’s a fun way of making fun of myself, and I have found that reading other mom’s Not Me! Monday’s have made me feel the teensiest bit better about my own shortcomings as a mother (or just as me).

It’s been 6 months since I’ve had my hair done. It was WAY too long to let it go, my roots were like 3″ long. GROSS. So, I was elated when I was able to get in to see my stylist last minute on Saturday. The appointment did NOT last four and a half hours (an absolute eternity in mommy time). It was nice in the beginning, a little vacation of sorts, but 3 hours in and I was OVER it. Then, I did NOT fork over $240 dollars only to realize when I got home that I have a FREAKING MULLET. I so do NOT have a mullet right now. Or the “Reverse Kate” (Kate Gosselin, Jon & Kate +8). Business in the front, party in the back. I guess that’s a little bit of an exaggeration, but really, only the back bottom half fits into a pony tail. NO REALLY. Pictures to come when I have enough nerve.

My mother in law’s birthday party was on Sunday, and for Bubba it was really exciting. It’s the only other song that he can sing besides Old McDonald. So naturally, on our way home from grandmother’s house, we were singing the birthday song. “Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear (insert Bubba here) BO, happy birthday to you”. It was Bo’s birthday every single verse, like 12 times. (Bo is my sister, Brianna- he calls her Bo). So I decided to switch it up, and throw in the Zoo verse. “You LOOK like a Monkey, and you smell like one too”. To this, Bubba said NOOOO MOMMA! “NO? then who does momma look like?” Bubba: “an OWL”. We did this verse 3 to 4 times and everyone looked like an Owl according to Bubba. Except Daddy. When I asked him who Daddy looked like, he did NOT reply: “an OUCHIE”. He did NOT then repeat that Daddy looks like an ouchie 4 times.

And lastly, yesterday. Yesterday, we went to Whole Foods (are you seeing a trend here yet?) right before their nap times. Mental note: Never again. I proceed to get Bubba out of the car and into the big part of the cart. While placing Birdie into the covered seat, I did NOT scratch her leg up with my wedding ring, prompting a loud scream that projected her paci out of her mouth and across the sidewalk. It did NOT fall onto the ground behind the stack of other carts and I definitely did NOT pick it up, realize there was nothing to wash it off with *panic*, dust it off on my dress and place it back into her mouth. I then did NOT carry her into WF while kicking the cart with Bubba in it to get it to go straight. I did NOT look a hot mother-effing mess. Finally, got out of WF with Bubba’s bribery, Pirates Booty, and did NOT spill the entire bag before we got into the car, prompting another wail session by the boy.

Aside from that, yesterday was a great day 😉

Here now is last weeks Not Me, I have to post it here since it was SO epic that a few people actually thought I was embellishing the story. Not so. Enjoy:

Friday night was our Mom’s Night Out, and three friends and I met at the Left Bank restaurant in Santana Row. Upon arrival, it was a parking lot. I think everyone in Silicon Valley must go to Santana Row on Friday nights. I was sitting in line for the Valet lot (and also going on 30 minutes late for our reservations, along with everyone in our group), all gussied up and excited for what may be my last night with my friends in a very long time. While in line, I did NOT roll (ROLL people! Less than 1 MPH!) my sweet Mitsubishi SUV directly into the car in front of me, which happened to be a beautiful white Porshe Carrera. The driver of the Porshe did NOT get out of his car, throw his arms up and start yelling at me so that everyone on SR could hear him. I definitely did not start to whimper and tell him not to be mean to me, and that I didn’t MEAN to hit his pretty car. And I would NEVER spend the first half hour with my friends blubbering about it. I am way more put together than that.

Monday afternoon was a beautiful day. I couldn’t wait to take the kids for a walk to the park to see an old friend in town from Hawaii. While pushing the stroller, I did NOT get off of the phone with Melissa (Auntie Meme) and drop my iPhone onto the concrete shattering the screen into bits. I then did not bite back (MORE! what is wrong with me?!)tears and take a detour to the Apple store and beg them for mercy. While my adorable time bombs waited patiently, the Genius there (really, that’s what they are called) spent the next 45 minutes discussing my options, that even though the camera is acting glitchy, the warranty was voided due to the shattered screen. She eventually did give me a break and fix the screen at no charge. Lucky me 🙂 Since then, I have not been picking slivers of glass out of my fingers, but I definitely don’t mind. Could have been worse.

So, bad things happen in three’s, right? We went to visit some good friends yesterday for a playdate and I had to bring my fancy new camera to take pictures of the kids and her new baby Gio (or Meeball as Nicholas calls him). After finding that it was broken, this morning I did NOT tear the house apart looking for the box and warranty, rendering us late to Bubba’s day care. I took the camera to Ritz and started showing the drone there what exactly it wasn’t doing, and did NOT come across pictures of J playing in the tub with both kids. I then did NOT snatch the camera away from him and delete said pictures. The drone decided that nothing was wrong with the camera since it wasn’t acting up for him, so the whole trip was a mortifying waste anyway. Typical.

And I definitely did NOT walk in on Bubba going potty to see this:

I lost a couple years off of my life thinking this was blood initially. Nope, it’s my $28 Benefit Benetint make-up.

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