... on a jet plane... I'll only be gone for two weeks. Yes, I caved. I've decided to take the kids back to California to spend Halloween with grandparents and friends. And nicer weather than the 40 degree rainy misery that we are currently experiencing... but I digress. This was a decision that I vacillated on quite a bit, but in the end I decided to go because a happy mother is a better mother. Really this is a trip home for me. I need the family connection (OK I miss my BFF's, mom and sister)... I need the break from the constant cleaning/cooking/laundry on repeat every single day. I know that all of you other mother's and housewives do the very same thing yet don't need breaks.. but I? I am not one of you. I already consider myself a failure of sorts to have to go home, but truly I am not very happy right now. I miss my own husband and he is HERE*, in this home for like, 12 hours** a day! With the daily grind of grocery shopping, preschool, park visits and the things I mentioned earlier, I'm just ready for a reality check. Maybe moving to New York City with two babies and a husband in dental school WAS my reality check, so be it. I'm going to have to regress.
*PHYSICALLY he is here.
**He is studying many of those hours, and rest he is sleeping
In my head I had prepared myself for this challenge and I would just "be strong and deal with it". I can't even pinpoint what exactly the issue is, other than just feeling extremely overwhelmed. There are feelings of loneliness and frustration and then there is the exhaustion. I have tried to talk myself out of taking this trip because really, we couldn't afford the tickets. I didn't want to pull J out of his new preschool that he loves, or away from his new friends. I am worried that taking them back to California will be confusing to both children. We decided to go for it despite those concerns because Dr. J has a HUGE test at the beginning of November, and he will be gone day and night (late nights at the library) for an entire week and it would be easy on him if we were away. We'll stay with my mother and go to the pumpkin patch and trick-or-treat in our old 'hood. I am hoping that going back to California will actually build a sense of security in the kids that our old CA home will still be there even though we said goodbye to it. I'm really happy and really excited despite the tremendous guilt, and I know that it will be good for all of us in the end or I wouldn't have done it.
It really bugs me to complain like this. I don't really mean to complain but I'm sure it sounds that way. I am grateful every single day for my healthy, amazing family. I am grateful every day that Dr. J is in a fantastic dental school and that he is smart and dedicated to making a better future for all of us. I am grateful that Bubba is in a fantastic preschool, and that they have a wonderful pedi, and that we live in a nice apartment. I am grateful that I don't have to work for these first few months and I can stay home with my children while we adjust to city life. There isn't a moment that goes by that I am not reminded of each and every one of these things. That said, what the heck is my problem? Why can't I cut it? I have made friends with other mothers at Bubba's preschool, I love our home and the city. I'm even digging the extreme weather (I know that this is just a taste so I'm enjoying it while it's still NEW to me. Ask me again in December). Maybe it's all just a part of the adjustment and the complete stress of trying my damnedest to make a happy. healthy, clean and comfortable home for my family. My standards skyrocketed when we moved here, and I think I've just about run myself into the ground trying to meet them every day. I'm not going back to CA to skirt my Cinderella duties or so that I don't have to pack lunches every single day just because we are leaving the building (well that is part of it). I'm going back for the mental break from it all. To relax and know that everything will be just fine if I happen to leave the Tylenol at home during a morning outing (Z has a history with Febrile Seizures) or that the "Bad Mommy" fairy isn't going to come beat me with a stick if the breakfast dishes are left in the sink past noon. There is a confidence that comes with making a house a home, and while I am making progress, I'm not there yet. I just hope to find my NYC groove sooner rather than later for all of our sakes! Maybe then I'll lose the 10 years that it's aged me in the process ;)
While I'm on this subject, I'm curious; What kinds of things do you do for yourself? I would love some insight and ideas from other mothers.
Thank you for listening! I love all of your comments and encouraging words, it makes all the difference- Thank you.
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8 comments:
Oh, I feel ya. Seriously, sometimes you have to get away. It's not like you are going on a vacation by yourself.For crying out loud, you still have two rascals with you. :) I couldn't imagine doing what you are doing in NYC. Heck, I haven't never moved out of my birth city. And I have family close by. Family is sooo important to see. I am glad you are able to go.
You asked- what do I do for myself? Funny you ask, because it is a hard question to answer. I think my "blog time" is for me. That is my escape. Ha! However, once we move I would like to start creating and sewing again, I haven't done it in forever!
Okay, this is the LONGEST comment EVER. Sorry!
Hey Jessica,
First off, have a wonderful time in CA. You deserve it. These are times that we moms go through. It's hard, hard work to be a wife and a mommy. There is a lot that you do all the time. And it's SO hard when your partner can't be there with you. I feel for you. Please try not to be down on yourself for feeling these things. It's so normal. It kind of comes with the territory to feel at times as if you just don't know what the heck you're doing, if you're doing things right....but I want you to know that it doesn't make you weak to want to be with your family for a while and get a break. It makes you human. So go there. Enjoy yourself. Reconnect with your BFF's. Try not to get hung up on feeling guilty. Breathe. And did I mention enjoy yourself? XO
Love, Mommy X
Oh, Jessica! You so deserve to go home to California to see your family! You will have a great time, your kids will love, the grandparents will love it, it will be great for you all.
I can't imagine how hard it is for you to have made such a huge move in so many ways - totally new city, new climate, away from friends and family... alone to take care of your two children while your husband is in school - it is NOT EASY AT ALL!!!! I have a lot of family help with taking care of my two children and it is STILL VERY HARD. It's non-stop work, go-go-go, and sometimes, oftentimes, it is very overwhelming, you know? You need to do things for you, too, you know? This trip will be great for you... don't feel guilty AT ALL! I certainly have no idea how 'those' moms do it, either... I think there is no job harder than that of a stay at home mom! Go have fun. Go out, leave the kids with your parents, re-connect with your friends, have a drink, get a massage, whatever. You deserve it babe! (And I'm sorry to say this but the weather? It's going to get a lot worse... maybe another trip to the West coast should be planned for February!;))
Hi Jess!
Oy, I hear ya sister. Yes, I need breaks too!! And I ONLY have ONE baby! You are a brave sister, both babies on a plane, I SERIOUSLY look up to you.. But I think there is NO need for guilt, go for it!! Get away for a refreshing break!
I cant say I am "good" at doing things for myself, but I dont have many options (considering all my guilty pleasures are GONE!) But I need my "girl time" with my friends, I need baths, alone. I need to work out, I need to pamper the woman inside of me (Easier said than done!) But making myself "feel" good and pretty..
Hope this helps! Love you, and you're doing great girl! The hard work will pay off!! XOXO
Jessica,
You totally deserve the trip to Cali to see friends and family. It sounds like you could use a mental break and some serious relaxation (well as much as possible with 2 small children).
I can definitely understand the transitioning thing and we haven't moved. I recently quit my job to stay home and do daycare... shortly after my husband had to start staying out of town for work. I feel like I'm in this house 24/7 changing poopy diapers, making meals and trying to catch my breath. Sometimes being a mom and housewife is SO overwhelming its hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
You will get through this and be stronger in the end from it! Enjoy your trip and take these 2 weeks to reflect on whatever it is you feel is weighing you down.
Much love!
Sounds like this trip is much needed -I hope you have a safe and wonderful trip!!
Girl, stop beating yourself up! Your kids are happy and healthy and you don't have to put yourself into hyperdrive just to stay afloat. Who said we all have to be superwomen? Go enjoy home, enjoy the weather, take a breather, let your mom have some much needed alone grandma time, and you and your sis go to a movie or just window shopping at the mall. Being a stay-at-home mom isn't about sitting around on the couch, eating bon-bons and internet shopping all day! For goodness sakes woman, you WORK for a living! Take your babies out of town and go enjoy a little vacation. You can bet that your home will be there when you return and nothing will fall apart. School is tough for your husband, but I'm sure he would understand if the dishes didn't get done right away or he had to wear the same dress slacks two days in a row!!! You're doing great Jessica - now stop fretting, and go let those babies enjoy being pampered by your family (and you too)!!
This is why I blog. Thank you, thank you ALL for your words! I know that I need to relax, and I am learning how to, but it helps to know that other mothers feel the same way sometimes. Thank you also for your suggestions on what you do for YOU.
When I started writing this post, I actually didn't know what the ROOT of my issue really was, but by the time I finished writing it, I had figured it.
Writing is so cathartic, isn't it?!
Thank you for reading!!
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