… on a jet plane… I’ll only be gone for two weeks. Yes, I caved. I’ve decided to take the kids back to California to spend Halloween with grandparents and friends. And nicer weather than the 40 degree rainy misery that we are currently experiencing… but I digress. This was a decision that I vacillated on quite a bit, but in the end I decided to go because a happy mother is a better mother. Really this is a trip home for me. I need the family connection (OK I miss my BFF’s, mom and sister)… I need the break from the constant cleaning/cooking/laundry on repeat every single day. I know that all of you other mother’s and housewives do the very same thing yet don’t need breaks.. but I? I am not one of you. I already consider myself a failure of sorts to have to go home, but truly I am not very happy right now. I miss my own husband and he is HERE*, in this home for like, 12 hours** a day! With the daily grind of grocery shopping, preschool, park visits and the things I mentioned earlier, I’m just ready for a reality check. Maybe moving to New York City with two babies and a husband in dental school WAS my reality check, so be it. I’m going to have to regress.
*PHYSICALLY he is here.
**He is studying many of those hours, and rest he is sleeping.
In my head I had prepared myself for this challenge and I would just “be strong and deal with it”. I can’t even pinpoint what exactly the issue is, other than just feeling extremely overwhelmed. There are feelings of loneliness and frustration and then there is the exhaustion. I have tried to talk myself out of taking this trip because really, we couldn’t afford the tickets. I didn’t want to pull J out of his new preschool that he loves, or away from his new friends. I am worried that taking them back to California will be confusing to both children. We decided to go for it despite those concerns because Dr. J has a HUGE test at the beginning of November, and he will be gone day and night (late nights at the library) for an entire week and it would be easy on him if we were away. We’ll stay with my mother and go to the pumpkin patch and trick-or-treat in our old ‘hood. I am hoping that going back to California will actually build a sense of security in the kids that our old CA home will still be there even though we said goodbye to it. I’m really happy and really excited despite the tremendous guilt, and I know that it will be good for all of us in the end or I wouldn’t have done it.
It really bugs me to complain like this. I don’t really mean to complain but I’m sure it sounds that way. I am grateful every single day for my healthy, amazing family. I am grateful every day that Dr. J is in a fantastic dental school and that he is smart and dedicated to making a better future for all of us. I am grateful that Bubba is in a fantastic preschool, and that they have a wonderful pedi, and that we live in a nice apartment. I am grateful that I don’t have to work for these first few months and I can stay home with my children while we adjust to city life. There isn’t a moment that goes by that I am not reminded of each and every one of these things. That said, what the heck is my problem? Why can’t I cut it? I have made friends with other mothers at Bubba’s preschool, I love our home and the city. I’m even digging the extreme weather (I know that this is just a taste so I’m enjoying it while it’s still NEW to me. Ask me again in December). Maybe it’s all just a part of the adjustment and the complete stress of trying my damnedest to make a happy. healthy, clean and comfortable home for my family. My standards skyrocketed when we moved here, and I think I’ve just about run myself into the ground trying to meet them every day. I’m not going back to CA to skirt my Cinderella duties or so that I don’t have to pack lunches every single day just because we are leaving the building (well that is part of it). I’m going back for the mental break from it all. To relax and know that everything will be just fine if I happen to leave the Tylenol at home during a morning outing (Z has a history with Febrile Seizures) or that the “Bad Mommy” fairy isn’t going to come beat me with a stick if the breakfast dishes are left in the sink past noon. There is a confidence that comes with making a house a home, and while I am making progress, I’m not there yet. I just hope to find my NYC groove sooner rather than later for all of our sakes! Maybe then I’ll lose the 10 years that it’s aged me in the process
While I’m on this subject, I’m curious; What kinds of things do you do for yourself? I would love some insight and ideas from other mothers.
Thank you for listening! I love all of your comments and encouraging words, it makes all the difference- Thank you.