Myself in 4D

I’ve changed.

Everything from my emotions to my physical form have been enhanced and supercharged, 10 fold.

This pregnancy is threatening to do me in almost entirely. I’m re-learning the wheel within myself at lightning speed, although not quite as gracefully as I would have hoped.

My first two pregnancies were less than challenging. Sure, I was sick and tired the first trimester with both, but both times it was manageable. I was super busy with a toddler the second time around that I barely even remember the majority of the 9 months. My body was used to being compromised, as I nursed Jack right up until I got pregnant with Zoe. I think I was just used to having little beings depend on me physically and emotionally that I wasn’t really phased.

This time is different. I had gotten so used to my diet and activity with running around Manhattan after two little children all day, every day, attending events in between and writing after they went down at night. I was feeling strong and confident, and I trusted my body to keep up as it should, and it did. Once I got pregnant, everything changed. I immediately started napping when the kids napped, and falling asleep with them at night. My work time and my patience was sapped. All very normal, very typical signs of pregnancy… and I was thrilled despite.

Six weeks later, I started to get very sick and it’s been that way ever since. Nothing is agreeing with me, food wise, as hard as I try to eat healthy and frequently. My body just simply rejects it, and I’m starting to honestly get a little worried. I somehow magically gained 12 pounds during the first trimester, thank goodness (REALLY? TWELVE?), but my energy level is super low and my attitude is threatening to turn as well.

Given the enormous and mysterious weight gain, my wardrobe has already changed drastically. Out of my closet went my beloved flare jeans, fitted blouses, and brand new Rachel Roy platforms. I’ve replaced them with some fantastic Spendid leggings (at the recommendation of Liz Lange herself), James Perse ruched tanks, and other various cotton tops. My new favorite shoes are nothing other than Puma flats, JCrew Rainy Day flats, and-of all things- CROCS!

It’s been a fun, and of course sometimes frustrating challenge to find non-maternity clothing that is comfortable without looking super dumpy.

A really fun part of pregnancy is (normally, for me) food. I’ve enjoyed exploring my cravings, despite the constant nausea and stomach upset. Something about candy and spaghetti-though NOT together-just gets me into a tizzy… I LOVE food. I love allowing myself to indulge.

Staying with the foods that I consider to be safe and yummy seems like the best option, but my body disagrees: Fruit, seltzer, egg-white and turkey sandwiches, and all of a sudden and with a vengance, Nerds.

Unfortunately, the sickness persistence has really started to affect me. The worry and stress of my health has me up at night with headaches and nightmares, and snapping at the kids in frustration, exhaustion and exasperation (followed by apologies and enormous guilt, of course). This is no way to prepare the family, and myself, for a new baby. I’m trying in every way that I know to take care of myself, keep my stress and emotions in check, and remain positive that eventually this will go away.

Truly, I love being pregnant. I get excited about new clothes, new food, new life. I think it’s one of those things that is just so remarkable that I am hard pressed to feel even a bit negative about it-even when my body seems to be betraying me at every turn.

The baby is healthy, my kids are happy, my husband is supportive and amazing, and that is all that matters. Both of my children have changed me in more ways than I can count, and I can see it happening again, in entirely new ways.

I sense that I may need to pad my bedroom for the next few months, however.

I was not compensated for this post. Just sharing some of my favorite things!