I’ve always been a proponent of change; Big changes, little changes, hardly-a-blip-on-the-radar changes. Shifting what we’re comfortable in, our safe place, is growth, life and progression. I seldom feel content in those safe places, mostly because I think my brain is light years ahead of the present moment regardless-that’s something I’m working on and it has to do with being present and living fully, consciously.
I find comfort in movement. The rejuvenation that busting out of normal routine brings is invigorating and exciting. My brainwaves don’t stop: My bedroom needs to be painted, the kid’s are out of school early tomorrow-I should plan something wild, we’ve never done breakfast for dinner, I should sign Zoe up for a dance course, maybe I should cut my hair off, I think we should move again, can we arrange that before our new baby arrives?
California has been great to us. The kids are happy and my husband is happy; His job is ten minutes away and Jack and Zoe have made a few great friends. Our current situation is wonderful in many ways, and less than so in more than a few too. Something doesn’t feel right to me, and I must be in another level of nesting mode because painting a corner of my home isn’t nearly going to satisfy this overwhelming feeling. A piece of this puzzle that we’ve been jamming into place just isn’t going to fit. Lately I’ve gone into overdrive considering all of our options, mostly-if not completely-with the children’s best interests in mind.
I don’t know if there is a perfect, but I am compelled with the fire of 100 dragons to find it. There is one life, and I will be damned if I don’t do my best to find that perfect for my little-ish nuclear family.
A lovely client brought me back to Manhattan this past week, on the heels of my 35th birthday and on the cusp of what feels like a tremendous leap of love, life and faith. My heart and soul are aching for a shift in the tides of the everyday that we’ve created in our newish home, and it seems that a little dose of NYC is just what the universe ordered for me.
My mom flew out and met me so that we could celebrate our birthdays together. Even throughout the four years that I lived in the city, we never actually spent time together out and about. There was little time or leeway to do such things, with three little kids at home that needed to spend time with their YiaYia too. It was so good for me to see her love my kids up in the brief spurts that she was able to come visit us, that spending time together-the two of us- just wasn’t as much of a priority. The past three days have been completely restorative for me, spending time in a city that I love so dearly with one of the most important people in my life… Perhaps for the very first time since I became a parent over seven years ago.
I feel almost back to myself, in the best way possible.
The last six months have been such a whirlwind, and absolutely full of change… The dynamics of our family have shifted drastically in so many ways, and the next six months will be even more so. It’s probably time that I find some cement to plant my feet into rather than scoping the atmosphere for a dynamic movement of any kind. Still, I haven’t quite found my groove yet and I need to continue searching, even if that means that my brain is unleashed.
I am so grateful to those that are supportive of me and our family despite the changes and different phases we’ve gone-and will go through.
Live in those moments, not light years ahead. Find footing. Keep changing. Just be.