“When are you going to be a regular mom and not work?” Zoe asked from the back of the car the other day as I was bringing them to school.
I’m not sure what “regular” means to her, but I told her that I was proud of my work, and that I would try not to be gone so much in the future. The past month or two have been incredibly busy, and while I’m happy and fulfilled and grateful to be able to earn a living doing what I love, I’m finding it’s pressing the boundaries of my comfort zone more often than not lately.
Jack, Zoe and Beau are home right now with my mom. She’s probably scrambling to get dinner on the table while helping Zoe with her homework, playing cars with Beau and talking to Jack about his day at school. I’m thousands of miles away, but I know what her routine looks like even when I’m there. Justin works late on these days, and for the third week in a row I’m across the country for work.
Evvie is wrapped tightly on my chest, sucking away on her pacifier and finally sleeping. It took me walking the length of the cabin six times and an hour of bouncing her in the flight deck to get her heavy eyelids to droop and close.
I’ve been so dedicated to maintaining a schedule for her that she would be used to and thrive upon, but the jet lag and travel is taking its toll. Her schedule is off and I’m feeling tremendously guilty.
I wanted it all, never expected that I’d get it and now I’m trying to make sure that I’m being the best mother I can be while also maintaining a strong work ethic and supporting those dreams, too.
Evvie and I travelled to San Francisco last week with my sister so that I could speak at the Dad 2.0 Summit. It was a very immersive experience where I was able to connect with my peers and spend time with dear friends, while having someone with her that we both love and adore. It still required me to be away from home for a couple of days, but coming home is always and forever the very best feeling.
I want to be a measure of success for my children like their father is. Jack. Zoe and Beau watched him study literally their entire lives, and they watched him accept his diploma and begin working as a dentist, helping people and truly loving it. I want to be a strong role model for them, but beyond what they see in the home. It was one of the most poignant moments of my life, watching my kids watching me read my book to a room full of people in a public bookstore. I never expected this, and yet I always knew something big was out there for me. This is big to me and it feels good to have some kind of measure of success that they can see, feel and touch. I felt that way when I was parenting solely, too. For me right in this moment though, it feels right, even though it’s putting me out of my comfort zone and pushing boundaries that I thought I’d never toe the line on.
It might not be perfect while I work out the kinks in the warped road to Balance Nirvana, but for now I’m happy, content, fulfilled, and grateful.