The Girl Abides

Last week was super weird. No specific reason, or maybe a ton of little reasons. My birthday was on Tuesday and for as much as I spent the last year thinking I was a year older than I am, it was a lovely surprise to actually gain (and lose again) an entire year in one day. That’s the thing about birthdays though, they are really just a number and I fully believe in celebrating each and every anniversary of my own birth as I am fortunate enough get. This year though, I woke up in a funk. We had to leave the house to get to an evaluation for our oldest son, before most of my kids even woke up. They really are such a big reason I celebrate my birthday at all, and I missed my morning snuggles in order to head into a meeting to be presented with information that could be somewhat life-changing. I wasn’t prepared, although the news was good (a story that is his to tell if he chooses).

While this blog is a very public space about my family and my personal journey as a mother and wife and a woman, it’s also my creative diary. It’s a digital place where I can create, and write and share the inner workings of my soul as the camera sees it. My photography, as much as it’s a living and breathing facet of my being, it’s only as productive as the left side of my brain feels like being at any given point in time. The spotlight has brought a lot of wonderful things for my family and for our greater cause championing animal rescue organizations and food allergy awareness. It has also felt like a enormous weight on my shoulders, pressure and attention that I honestly don’t know what to do with most of the time. I am grateful in many ways, but it’s been a learning process trying to get through these waters unscathed, waters that I’ve created on my own, with my children at the center.

A personal (and yet quite public) indication that I’m feeling really good about things is when I’m trying not to post too much on Instagram, or when I have very frequent & consistent, personal posts here too. When I’m just as excited to write and publish as I am to upload my photos into Lightroom and edit away into the night. Those things absolutely give me life. When my output is just as colorful and vibrant as my mental input.

The truth is I haven’t felt that sense of freedom in a few weeks. I’m overwhelmed with my work (that I love) and my family (that I love the most) and things are really great! Jack and Zoe are about to graduate from 1st and 2nd grades, the tooth fairy visited Zoe for the first time, Beau is as active and verbal as ever, and Evvie is just about to crawl, has two teeth popping in and just said her first word.

IMG_5241

IMG_5148

IMG_5145

IMG_5157

 

Life is beautiful.

IMG_4579

IMG_4820

It is also, however, really quite intense and I’ve needed to power down in order to feel as inspired, motivated and confident in my decisions and strength to parent the very best I am capable of. The truth is I think I’m starting to feel the weight of what having children is really like and sometimes when everything is stripped away, I am left scared and wondering whether or not I’m doing the right things in the first place at all.

I’ve honestly spent a lot of time second guessing whether or not this is right for any of us, but I think that if I can be cognizant and critical of myself as a parent, a human, a wife, and as an influencer here in this space I think I can master my best self. Sometimes, the win is in the wait when life shifts to autopilot, and for now I will abide.

Join the Conversation

15 Comments

  • This was beautiful and your children are just gorgeous! Hope you had a lovely birthday. I look forward to reading your next post.

    Jackie- asthestrollerturns.com


  • Thank you for abiding for now… we sense when something is happening when we see less, and know that it is all good! We just appreciate being able to watch as you share in such a beautiful way your children and your lives…. Loving hearing Evvie’s first words, which remind me so much of Beau – at this age he was starting to practice that pitching arm! and Zoe losing her first tooth, just at Dr. S. did with Jack! It helps to visualize the passage of time….


  • Wait, are you born in June 2nd?? It’s my birthday as well!! 🙂


  • Jessica,
    Your honesty and truth is so real and evident in your words. Parenting, BEING, is hard, but hearing you share is just what I need and I’m sure will touch others as well. Your family is a gift to me, and your sharing brings me to tears on more than one occasion. I wish you he happiest of birthdays and all the best in the year to come. In a funny way, you’ve become a treasured friend, but as in all good friendships, the quiet times only make the closeness better. Love to you and your precious family.


  • Thanks for sharing I think these feelings are absolutely normal and I would be more worried if you never questioned the whole process.
    Birthdays can always make us self reflect and it is all part of the journey.
    EMC


  • You have a lovely blog with beautiful photos and posts. I love your perspective on parenting and thank you for sharing all your lives with us.
    But it must be so difficult having your family under the microscope all the time.
    I, like so many look forward to your posts and Instagram photos. yoi put so many smiles on people’s faces!
    Thank you for continuing to share your journey through motherhood with us.


  • You have a lovely blog with beautiful photos and posts. I love your perspective on parenting and thank you for sharing all your lives with us.
    But it must be so difficult having your family under the microscope all the time.
    I, like so many look forward to your posts and Instagram photos. You put so many smiles on people’s faces!
    Thank you for continuing to share your journey through motherhood with us.


  • Happy Belated Birthday!


  • You are so beautiful Jessica inside and out.


  • Hi Jessica,

    You are such an inspiration to me and I don’t even have children! As an avid follower, I’ve noticed a certain necklace that you’ve worn: it’s an initial, but kind of to the side, not in the middle of your neck. Can you tell me where to find that necklace? Or do you have a link to any of your favorite jewelry?

    My cousin just had her first baby – a girl! And I’d love to send her a little token of love as she embraces motherhood. Any suggestions would be appreciated!

    Stay well, continue to be your wonderful self! you are what all women should strive to be!

    Hugs and love from Philadelphia,
    Suzanne


  • Happy Belated Birthday!

    You shouldn’t feel any obligation to explain the very real struggles of a parent, person, wife, etc. You are living your life publicly, for which we all are enriched, but in the end, you are a person too and everyone has funks and should be entitled to some quiet time to reflect. You should always feel the support to do that by your followers!! YOU DO YOU! 😉


  • “The win is in the wait.” Needed to hear that today. Thank you for sharing, and happy belated birthday to you!

Follow @mommasgonecity on Instagram