The Girl Abides
Last week was super weird. No specific reason, or maybe a ton of little reasons. My birthday was on Tuesday and for as much as I spent the last year thinking I was a year older than I am, it was a lovely surprise to actually gain (and lose again) an entire year in one day. That’s the thing about birthdays though, they are really just a number and I fully believe in celebrating each and every anniversary of my own birth as I am fortunate enough get. This year though, I woke up in a funk. We had to leave the house to get to an evaluation for our oldest son, before most of my kids even woke up. They really are such a big reason I celebrate my birthday at all, and I missed my morning snuggles in order to head into a meeting to be presented with information that could be somewhat life-changing. I wasn’t prepared, although the news was good (a story that is his to tell if he chooses).
While this blog is a very public space about my family and my personal journey as a mother and wife and a woman, it’s also my creative diary. It’s a digital place where I can create, and write and share the inner workings of my soul as the camera sees it. My photography, as much as it’s a living and breathing facet of my being, it’s only as productive as the left side of my brain feels like being at any given point in time. The spotlight has brought a lot of wonderful things for my family and for our greater cause championing animal rescue organizations and food allergy awareness. It has also felt like a enormous weight on my shoulders, pressure and attention that I honestly don’t know what to do with most of the time. I am grateful in many ways, but it’s been a learning process trying to get through these waters unscathed, waters that I’ve created on my own, with my children at the center.
A personal (and yet quite public) indication that I’m feeling really good about things is when I’m trying not to post too much on Instagram, or when I have very frequent & consistent, personal posts here too. When I’m just as excited to write and publish as I am to upload my photos into Lightroom and edit away into the night. Those things absolutely give me life. When my output is just as colorful and vibrant as my mental input.
The truth is I haven’t felt that sense of freedom in a few weeks. I’m overwhelmed with my work (that I love) and my family (that I love the most) and things are really great! Jack and Zoe are about to graduate from 1st and 2nd grades, the tooth fairy visited Zoe for the first time, Beau is as active and verbal as ever, and Evvie is just about to crawl, has two teeth popping in and just said her first word.
Life is beautiful.
It is also, however, really quite intense and I’ve needed to power down in order to feel as inspired, motivated and confident in my decisions and strength to parent the very best I am capable of. The truth is I think I’m starting to feel the weight of what having children is really like and sometimes when everything is stripped away, I am left scared and wondering whether or not I’m doing the right things in the first place at all.
I’ve honestly spent a lot of time second guessing whether or not this is right for any of us, but I think that if I can be cognizant and critical of myself as a parent, a human, a wife, and as an influencer here in this space I think I can master my best self. Sometimes, the win is in the wait when life shifts to autopilot, and for now I will abide.