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I’ve always been a proponent of change; Big changes, little changes, hardly-a-blip-on-the-radar changes. Shifting what we’re comfortable in, our safe place, is growth, life and progression. I seldom feel content in those safe places, mostly because I think my brain is light years ahead of the present moment regardless-that’s something I’m working on and it has to do with being present and living fully, consciously.

I find comfort in movement. The rejuvenation that busting out of normal routine brings is invigorating and exciting. My brainwaves don’t stop: My bedroom needs to be painted, the kid’s are out of school early tomorrow-I should plan something wild, we’ve never done breakfast for dinner, I should sign Zoe up for a dance course, maybe I should cut my hair off, I think we should move again, can we arrange that before our new baby arrives?

California has been great to us. The kids are happy and my husband is happy; His job is ten minutes away and Jack and Zoe have made a few great friends. Our current situation is wonderful in many ways, and less than so in more than a few too. Something doesn’t feel right to me, and I must be in another level of nesting mode because painting a corner of my home isn’t nearly going to satisfy this overwhelming feeling. A piece of this puzzle that we’ve been jamming into place just isn’t going to fit. Lately I’ve gone into overdrive considering all of our options, mostly-if not completely-with the children’s best interests in mind.

I don’t know if there is a perfect, but I am compelled with the fire of 100 dragons to find it. There is one life, and I will be damned if I don’t do my best to find that perfect for my little-ish nuclear family.

A lovely client brought me back to Manhattan this past week, on the heels of my 35th birthday and on the cusp of what feels like a tremendous leap of love, life and faith. My heart and soul are aching for a shift in the tides of the everyday that we’ve created in our newish home, and it seems that a little dose of NYC is just what the universe ordered for me.

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My mom flew out and met me so that we could celebrate our birthdays together. Even throughout the four years that I lived in the city, we never actually spent time together out and about. There was little time or leeway to do such things, with three little kids at home that needed to spend time with their YiaYia too. It was so good for me to see her love my kids up in the brief spurts that she was able to come visit us, that spending time together-the two of us- just wasn’t as much of a priority. The past three days have been completely restorative for me, spending time in a city that I love so dearly with one of the most important people in my life… Perhaps for the very first time since I became a parent over seven years ago.

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I feel almost back to myself, in the best way possible.


The last six months have been such a whirlwind, and absolutely full of change… The dynamics of our family have shifted drastically in so many ways, and the next six months will be even more so. It’s probably time that I find some cement to plant my feet into rather than scoping the atmosphere for a dynamic movement of any kind. Still, I haven’t quite found my groove yet and I need to continue searching, even if that means that my brain is unleashed.

I am so grateful to those that are supportive of me and our family despite the changes and different phases we’ve gone-and will go through.

Live in those moments, not light years ahead. Find footing. Keep changing. Just be.


Join the Conversation


  • I’m just so excited to know you as you go through this exciting time. Cheers for mama time in NYC! Cheers for new babies! Cheers for a story to tell and a platform to tell it! Cheers for happy dogs! Cheers for supper time and big round bellies!

  • Always love your posts! You have such a way with words and your candid feelings about your world. And did you get a haircut? It’s looking shorter and I’m loving it!

  • I love how you worded that. As a fellow recent California transplant, I totally know what you mean. I hope you can figure out what’s next, and/or feel at home soon!

  • I think these feeling are normal for 35. I had similar ones, but with more swear words.

    You are so lucky to have your mom. Mine died when I was 31 and I yearn for her companionship daily.

    Cute cut!


  • Jessica:

    For the sake of brevity, here goes…

    First, I’m 47. I’m married to a lovely women who I’ve been with for 13 years. We have a 3.5 year old boy and I have a beautiful 20 year old daughter from a previous marriage (college). My wife’s family lives in Santa Cruz off Soquel. My buddy lives there too (he’s a practicing MD in town). I understand both your joy and longing being there. More importantly…

    I share your inherent need for movement. My mind, heart and soul
    feel like they are constantly expanding…scanning the horizon so-to-speak…
    and not so much for greener pastures but due to a deep and organic yearning I cannot quite explain. I HAVE tried to explain this yearning…I’ve tried to intellectualize it…for many years. I recall, as a young college student talking to a counselor about this yearning. On what must have been my 10th visit…he interrupted me with exasperation to another of my intellectual ramblings about it by saying, “Just be man! Just be.” I feel like my life has been about staying true to my yearning for change and seeking new landscapes, with accepting who I am in the moment and with the people that surround me…invited or not.

    You have a lovely family and seem to be keenly aware of who you are and what you need. By being honest with your family, I think whatever direction your next step is…it will be pointing the right way.



  • Change is the one constant in life, and it does truly take effort to live in the moment and be here now and find that inner peace. I know just how you feel!
    On an unrelated note, where is your darling dress and lace too from? I need some cute pregnancy clothes!
    Thanks and warm wishes in the journey ahead.

  • You look so stunning! Pregnancy suits you 🙂 I think it’s quite normal to have these sorts of feelings while pregnant as well, hormones do something to us…

  • Now that I’m thinking…I was in the city with my best pals and we were hunting around at Fish’s Eddy – I’m wondering if you were shopping there as well? At any rate best of luck to you and your growing family! PS My Mom passed nearly 2 years ago and I’m still TRYING to get over it. Be well!

    • I think no matter how much time passes, it’s not possible ‘to get over’ the death of someone so close. My mom is still here, and she means so much to me – I can’t even stand the thought of having to let her go someday, makes me tear up. We’re still grieving the death of my father-in-law last fall, it was really sudden, he didn’t live to retirement. Miss him so much.

  • Hm, I’m thirty. Have been feeling like this all week. I think I should go take a pregnancy test, seriously. Hehe 😉 We are trying for #3 after all! It doesn’t help my husband is away for 3 weeks and we still have a week and a half to go. Yesterday I felt like running away with the kids from this house. A local playground was close enough – but I had to come back home lol. I just feel too stretched thin right now, even though I’m not doing half as much as I was half a year ago (in terms of running my businesses and house work).

    You look beautiful pregnant! Thanks for sharing your fun trip 🙂

  • I think that yearning for new places is part of growing. Once you feel settled somewhere, you will yearn less for what you had and more for what you have.

    I think it’s great that you got to stroll around the city with your mom! Also, your reference in there made me wonder? Είσαι Έλληνας? I am so when I saw your reference I was excited!

    Enjoy your blog thoroughly!

  • What a fun weekend with your mom. Love the new haircut!

  • You are scratching your Je ne sais quoi. At 59 I still search for my “I don’t know what it is”. I probably will never know what it is.

    Live in the moment with inexhaustible love.
    Compel your life to revolve around all that makes you happy and what you love happy. Today’s je ne sais quoi is pink peonies. And that sates the search for now.

  • Sounds like you had a great weekend in NYC. I adore that city. I understand how you must miss it. I’m going through something similar. My husband and I are also yearning for something new in our lives, like moving somewhere else for example. We tell ourselves to live in the moment, but it does get hard because of our busy everyday lives. I’ve been following your blog for a long time now and I love watching your little family grow. Life is a beautiful thing.

    P.S. I love your new haircut!

  • I found this site via a friend, read this and I felt compelled to write you. I was born and raised in NYC . Moved to CA (Berkeley) in my 30’s and now in my early 40’s happily settled in East Bay. The first two years in CA were rough. I spent the first year of my son’s life, now 3, in Santa Cruz and that year was the toughest. While I have fond memories of living in SC (beaches, nature walks, mothersong), I am happy that we moved back to the East Bay. SC was wonderful in many ways — but it wasn’t home…some things were lacking for us and all I did was long to move during that period. SO I understand!! That’s all. Good luck to you and your beautiful family!

  • I know exactly what you mean about finding that piece of perfection for your family. I feel like I’m going through that right now. Here’s to hoping we both find what we’re looking for. Also, happy belated birthday!

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