I’ve been downloading a lot of my mother’s music lately. That nostalgia has been cushioning the walls of my mind like a thick security blanket as my emotions barrel around like wild horses.
I can still hear the way her Crosby Stills Nash & Young and Fleetwood Mac albums sing through crackles and pops on my mother’s record player. There is peace in those notes and their voices, and it brings a steady calm to an otherwise hectic soundtrack that accompanies our lives right now.
Life is so big these days.
We celebrated Theo’s birthday on September 11th, the day that our Evangeline was actually due to be born. He’s been so calm, steady and supportive through all of the changes in the last two weeks since our sweet baby girl came home. We’re spread pretty thin with giving everyone the attention they need and deserve, but Theo patiently waits for his turn and is grateful when he gets it. It’s hard to believe he’s been with us for almost a year now. I cannot and do not want to imagine our lives without him.
Eight days later Zoe turned six. I’ve been picking up things for her the past few months that have waited in my closet for the day I could surprise her with them; Her first American Girl doll and an Elsa dress. By the time the day finally rounded the corner, I was so consumed by making sure her day was perfect that I nearly forgot to wrap them. My baby girl, who is no longer my only baby girl, is six years old. She’s mature beyond her years and moves with so much passion in everything she does. She is kind and empathetic, she is strong, she is decisive and smart, she is so beautiful it takes my breath away.
Raising daughters has always terrified me but I think together we can do this just fine.
The truth is, Beau has been struggling and therefore so have I. This house is brimming full of love and energy and personalities moving in sync and in tandem, and often, naturally, at odds. My baby boy is missing me and struggling with Evvie taking up a lot of my time and both of my arms. He’s so sensitive, and when I leave or cannot be with him his cries are enough to shatter my heart over and over again until I feel like I couldn’t possibly lose any more.
But he loves her, and he forgives me. I know this is just a day in the life, a rite of passage for their relationship and ours.
Life is just so big right now.
So in those between times, when the baby is sleeping and the house is otherwise empty (rarely), I find a moment to retreat in to a safe place where my heart is steady and my mind is quiet, save the nostalgic drippings of the music from my childhood.
It’s serene and steady, just like this house so often feels like it isn’t. But that’s what I’ve always wanted and oh my gosh, here it is; My future and my past and my loves all wrapped up in four walls and a roof. Life is big but we are so lucky.